“Sir, sorry to interrupt your bath time, but we have it on good authority that the Martians are amassing a huge fleet. We suspect it is an invasion force.”

Commander Feltip looked up from his very sudsy bath. “Martians? There’s no such thing.”

Lt. Adams nodded his head curtly. “Actually, sir, we’ve known about the martians for years. We kept the information from the general public because as a government we just wish ill upon our people and hope to keep them completely unprepared for any wars that might develop.”

“Like now?”

“Hmm. Yes, sir. In hindsight, it wasn’t the best plan.”

“Well” said Commander Feltip as he rose from the tub. He was in full uniform. “I suppose we should begin our defense against these alien invaders. Initiate the plan to defend Earth against alien invasion.”

“What plan, sir?”

“The plan to save our world should it be attacked by an off world invader.”

“Yes, sir. What I mean to say is that we have no plan for such an event.”

There was a long quiet pause in the conversation.

So, we knew they were there but we didn’t think they would attack? Fine. So then just point our weapons at them and when they are in sight, pull the triggers. It’s not too hard to formulate good plans.”

“Actually, sir, all of our weapons are designed with ground combat in mind. Even our Air Force isn’t really equipped to deal with alien invaders and our ground to air attacks are limi-”

“OK, fine,” interrupted the Commander. “Negotiate with them and give them Australia. When they land on it, we bomb the hell out of them.”

“But,-”

“Australia, Lieutenant. Africa if we have to, but I would hate and I repeat I would really, really hate to lose Africa. Now begin the negotiations to save the planet and bring me some toast.”